pity my brain

hey..
you know..do you ever been in a condition to choose two ways which carries the same meaning-responsibilty and important? of course you do right? i've been in this condition before but as you all know,i have become weaker and weaker through out the year i've been spending my life in university. i have no more heart. my strengths are no longer strong as it was in the first semester that i have been carrying it from my high school years and also my beloved home. my brave heart has lost it's fire to keep me warm when trouble occurs. i hate my new self being..i hate when this kind of trouble happens..let me tell you a story. as you all know i am a debater. somehow i cant say i am a real debater as i have never attempt to debate infront of a real adjudicator and a real competition before. i AM a newbie. so,this coming competition,it'll be held in Arau,Perlis. all the senior debaters and all the debaters from Jengka,Jengkis,will go there as well. and for the newbie as i am myself,i need to. if i'm not mistaken,i'm one of the few newbies yang pergi to debate. i feel flattered. seriously. i need to prove that i can debate even though my mind and heart are thinking and beating rather rapidly since the news about arau have been spread around campus. orite,so,the mind is set to go to arau. but suddenly,a new news spreads..who wants to become a OC? hear me out,an OC is orientation commitee. it's like we're prefects for the new juniors to come into the UiTM. we're going to give them a hell for a week before the real actual day comes to enter UiTM. anyway,so,basically,both being the-newbie-going-to-arau-debater or the OC-from-hell-person has their own objectives. both have their own motives and important elements. hurm..but people that i love so much..mostly they said that i should go for the OC-from-hell-person. only some said that i better choose the arau debate trip. you know,for me,i would love to go to arau. but i deep inside me,i want to be the OC more. i don't know. i'm not doing this for the money. seriously,i'm not that desperate. just being there as an OC. it's like cool la. just linger around the juniors and stuff. show them that this campus kuantan is not as bad as it looks. haha. but for arau plak,i want to go to prove to people that i can debate. that i can be as good as the others. but that excuse is just mainly about what i want to do just for the sake of what people would think of me. is it fair for myself? i'm tired. i need to think bout what i want just for a while. just once. i know letting the arau trip is like letting down the debate team. it would be like i'm being selfish. am i? owh..the torture of thinking too much. i love the debate team. i love people inside it. but i hope people inside it can understand me just once. just once i beg to all. both of this ways that i need to choose from both have it's pros and cons. but for next semester,there will be more competition to come. but being an OC is like once in a lifetime. but all the way down..i will stick to my decision. which is going to be the OC. and that's it.
sabrina